May 31, 2004

So, still sappy/wistful/yadda yadda yadda. I find myself really yearning for some genuine affection. A little nibbling on the neck is a marvelous thing, but thinking back to a 45-second instance can only take a girl so far. Was it as much as 45 seconds? Dunno -- could've been an hour, for as yummy as it was. But beyond the physical needs a person is bound to experience, I tend to let my heart get completely wrapped up in dreaming of being with someone. I always used to say, in high school, that I'd go through crushes like some people go through Kleenex. And clearly, adding 20 years to my life hasn't changed that. Is it that I always see the good aspects of people? Or is it simply a matter of desperation? That, I can't answer absolutely -- probably a little of both. But I'm led to believe that at least one of those crushes was founded on more than the temporary hormonal attraction of teenage amore. I find myself still occasionally drawn to the same person I was mad about in high school. Not the pretty boy who held my attention for 4 years, that ultimately didn't have as much brains as beauty, but the one that I think may have been my soulmate. He was quirky, oh-so-intelligent, and had possibly the most inviting, complex, warm brown eyes I've ever seen. Interestingly enough, he was the one to recognize that being together, at that point in our lives, was not the best thing for either of us (although I now realize that he was partially protecting me from his teenage lechery -- sweet thing).

He's now married (though happily, I'm not so sure -- but he's clearly in it for the long haul), has a beautiful daughter who's probably much too bright for her own good and lives in a different state. I've corresponded with him by e-mail (though not as frequently as we did when I first found him again), and it's clear that even if circumstances allowed it, we probably wouldn't be a good match even today -- what with different preferences for how to live life, and all. And yet, as I sit on my couch, berating myself for my inability to find a beau, I'm drawn back to the writings that we shared in high school. He wrote one in an anthology that he let me have a copy of, and it touched a nerve. Being the sappy, romantic, "look-at-me-I'm-a-writer" girl I was, I penned a reply. Can't remember if I ever gave it to him. I don't think I did -- I tended to write these pieces directed at specific people, and then never let them in on it.

And I wonder why I had troubles getting a beau.

Have you ever

Looked up and seen
The stars glow at night

And

Have you ever

Heard the birds fly up
And cheer the morning light

Have you ever

Smelled the light fragrance
of a small grove of trees

And

Have you ever

Had a chance to taste
A mountain stream before a freeze

But

Have you ever

Felt the horror
Of watching it all
Disappear

c.a.e. 4-9-86

I have seen the stars glowing in the night
Like bright diamonds on black velvet,
But they are merely
Dull scratched glass compared to
The sparkle in your eyes that haunts me each night.

I have smelled the fresh fragrance of
The trees in the woods, and
The soft murmur of their branches has
Sent me to sleep to dream of things
I cannot have -- like you.

I have tasted the fresh cool water
That has just melted from the pure snow
And has caught the sun's rays
As it trickles down the mountain,
But it is not as sweet as
I dream your kisses might be.

And I have felt the horror of it
Disappearing --
As I saw you kissing her.

P.N.

4-14-86

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